sample="rhetorical" bates="TIMN0133867" isource="ti" decade="1980" class="ue" date="19840700" Helping Youth Decide Helping Youth Decide A new program for parents developed by the National Association of State Boards of Education The 600 citizen-volunteer members of the National Association of State Boards of Education (NASDBE) provide policy-making leadership to public education in the United States. Their efforts are designed to assure quality education to every child in every classroom in the states and territories. NASBE believes that sound communication and decision-making skills are critical aspects of every child's journey toward informed, responsible adulthood. In working as education leaders, state board members recognize that a partnership exists among schools, parents and the communities. This publication is an example of two of these, the education and business communities, reaching out to the third, parents. We hope that parents who use this guide will find it useful in creating effective parent-child communication and in helping children to learn to make sound decisions. July 1984 Phyllis Blaunstein Executive Director National Association of State Boards of Education This publication of the National Association of State Boards of Education was made possible by The Tobacco Institute, Washington, D.C. The Tobacco Institute is an association of cigarette manufacturers who-as a matter of longtime policy and practice-believe that smoking is an adult custom. Simply put: The people who make cigarettes do not want young people smoking them. It is The Tobacco Institute's hope that this booklet will help parents deal with the full range of decisions adolescents face today. Introduction Child raising has been a subject of debate among adults as long as there have been children. Almost every parent has opinions, or has heard theories about one of the most tenuous and difficult of family relationships: that between parent and adolescent. You've probably said it yourself a hundred times. And you're right. Raising an adolescent is hard on the parent. But adolescence can be even more difficult for the youngster, who is trying to make the transition to young adulthood and is not quite sure how to handle it. This is the time when your young teenager will be faced with many new decisions. Some decisions will be small, others important. Consider the following examples: whether to drive the car, to drink, to smoke, to borrow money, to quit school, to take or quite a job, to marry. Making responsible decisions is a skill that is best learned with the help of someone more experienced. With adult help, youngsters are more likely to make good choices. Shared decision making begins with good communication between parent and child. Good communication skills help to strengthen the mutual respect and trust in the family. It is the objective of this booklet to help family members better understand each other, talk more easily and effectively to each other, and make more responsible decisions that are more agreeable to both parent and child. This booklet is divided into three parts. Part I discusses what's involved for you and your child during the adolescent years. Part II suggest ways to develop more open lines of communication with your teenagers and to guide them in decision making. Part III includes materials designed to help you implement the ideas presented in the preceding sections-some "homework" for parent and child. Part I Growing Pains Mark Twain wrote that at age 17 he thought his father the most ignorant man who ever lived, but at age 21 he was amazed at how much the old man had learned in four short years. What we call the new generation gap isn't anything new. Throughout history, teenagers-no longer children, but not yet adults-have questioned the rules laid down by their parents and society. Questioning authority, testing the rules and experimenting with adult behaviours are all a natural part of adolescent growth. Youngsters want freedom, yet freedom is frightening. There are new feelings to contend with. Biological and emotional changes are taking place within that young teens do not fully understand. Most importantly, they wonder who they are, what they believe and where they belong. Adolescence is the time when children are trying to discover their identity. There are many "tasks" involved in undertaking this search. For the first time, young persons are beginning to look toward the future and to try to fit it with the present. They often have great dreams and become very idealistic. This hopefulness is one way they begin to feel some control over their destiny. Listen with respect. React to your child as you would to an adult friend. Grownups tend to do most of the talking when conversing with young people. Listen as much as you talk. After speaking for half a minute or so, stop and let your youngster have a chance. And accept the fact adolescents are complainers. Let them get their grievances off their chests. Try not to interrupt or push a topic they don't want to discuss. Listening is certainly one of the most important skills of parenthood. It builds closeness. It also helps young people release pent-up emotions and strengthens their ability to make decisions and solve their own problems. Talk - So They'll Listen Take time to have relaxed conversations alone with each of your children on a regular basis, five or 10 minutes each day. Frequent talks will help you spot difficulties before they become real problems. So often when parents talk to their youngsters, they correct, criticize or command. Though we may occasionally need to direct behaviour, the conversation should be enjoyable for both parent and child. We should also have talks about world events and reading, sports and movies, science and religion, thoughts and feelings. In open discussions, various points of view are expressed and everyone both talks and listens. It is often helpful to be doing something together when you talk-and preferably when others are not around. Here are some specific guidelines for talking with adolescents. Show respect. As you did in listening, so in talking. Show your young teenager the same courtesy and interest you would show your adult friends. Be brief. The time to stop talking is before your youngster stops listening. If you must get across a message, feed a little information-remember the half-minute rule for good listening?-then ask for comment before adding a little more. Try not to lecture. Be aware of your tone of voice. Often it's not what you say but how you say it that conveys your message-how loudly, softly, or fast or slowly you speak. You also communicate with eye contact and facial expression. Be specific. Strive consciously to communicate in simple terms. For instance instead of "I wish you didn't look so sloppy," say "I'll treat you to a haircut Saturday." Instead of "We'll go to the pool together soon," specify "Let's go swimming this weekend." And, lastly, help your youngster empathize with you by expressing your feelings. Reveal some of your inner self. Let your youngster know you are also an individual and can be hurt by others, even confused in your thinking and fearful of certain situations. Emphasize your feelings, not their behavior. Don't say: "You should be helping me with dinner and the dishes. You're so lazy and inconsiderate sometimes." ("You" message) Do say: "I get so angry when I get stuck doing all this work by myself." ("I" message) Don't say: "You're room is such a mess. How can you live like that?" ("You" message) Do say: "When I see clothes spread all over the floor, I am furious. I feel like throwing the whole mess into the trash." ("I" message) "You" messages tend to cast blame, lower self-esteem, harm the relationship and fail to change the behavior in the long run. "I" messages tell other how we feel, state the problem and how it affects us, do not threaten, and tend both to help the relationship and change behavior. By adopting better ways of talking and listening, parents accomplish a lot toward educating their children for responsibility. Young teens are in transition, preparing for a time when they will have to be more independent. Good communication builds good relationships and is the best foundation for helping our young teenagers learn to make more of their own decisions. Responsible Decision Making Children and adolescents need the opportunity to practice making decisions in order to become self-directed, critical thinkers. They need the opportunity to learn that sometimes postponing a decision in itself. When parents make all decisions, children tend to see their lives as controlled by others. Then they are not likely to attempt decision making when they reach adolescence. Adults decide, are more likely to instill the confidence adolescents need to make more and more independent decisions. 7. Do we fairly frequently give each other the benefit of the doubt? Can we think of an example when one of us did not and how the situation might have been improved? Option 2: Role Reversal Perhaps you have no trouble looking each other in the eye. And you have no trouble sticking to the subject. But, still, you can't seem to resolve your problems. This option works well for some. It is called "role reversal" because the parent takes the part of the adolescent and vice versa. This exercise helps both to empathize and to listen more effectively to one another. Below are the beginnings of several stories. Each sets the stage for you to finish acting out the situation. Remember: You are to play the part of the child. Your teenager is to play the part of the parent. Play your parts not as comedy but as drama. Stick to the same basic guidelines described in Option I: 1. Be direct and honest. 2. Do not dwell on past mistakes. 3. Be respectful of each other. The first story: As soon as Bob gets home, after a difficult day at work, his 14-year-old daughter Susan asks if she can spend the weekend with her best friend, Judy, at the beach.... The second story: Janet notices that her dresser drawer is open and that someone has apparently been reading her diary. Later, Janet's mother mentions something she could have learned only from reading the diary... The third story: Tom has been told to stop spending time with his friend Jack. Jack was recently suspended from school for fighting, the first time he ever had been in trouble. This weekend, Tom had planned to attend a concert with Jack. He still wants to... The fourth story: Jim's mother works and is not at home during the day. Jim called her at work, but she said she was unable to talk at the moment, and then forgot to call him back. When she gets home, Jim doesn't want to talk about it.... Option 3: Letters Some people understandably have difficulty expressing themselves face to face. It's not always easy to look someone straight in the eye and say what you really think-that you love him, for example, or that you wish she would leave you alone, or that you are are sorry about something you said. Try writing letters to each other. Write as if you haven't seen each other for several months. Make the letters as long as you wish. This approach can help you learn to express your feelings to one another. If it helps you could (1) write as if you are talking about someone else, or (2) pretend you are writing to a best friend. If you have a hard time getting started, go back to the questionnaire and select a question that you marked "+" or "-". A "0" would be too complex to start with. In any case, follow the rules that we have used before: 1. Be honest and direct. Don't beat around the bush or you're likely to cause confusion. 2. Don't dredge up a lot of ancient history. you may need to point to past problems. But don't dwell on them. Non one likes to be reminded of mistakes. 3. Be respectful. Both of you are people. The biggest difference is that one of you is older. Practice Makes Perfect! Adolescence is a time of growth and development, a time to sort out and begin to deal with the complexities of adult life. Young people must adjust to radical changes in their bodies, outgrow childhood emotions and begin to take on adult responsibilities. Moreover, it is a time when most young people make decisions about the direction their lives will take; when they examine for the first time the religious, ethical and political values of their families and society; when they choose vocational goals and undertake the education and training necessary to achieve these goals. The ability to make choices rationally and responsibly is neither inborn nor easily acquired. Young people need help and practice in learning to make the decisions that affect their lives. We hope that this booklet has provided you with some guidelines for helping your young teenager lay the groundwork for responsible adulthood. Parent Questionnaire 1. Right now, I spend hours a week talking with my (son) (daughter). 2. When something is bothering (him) (her) I usually: (check the one that comes the closest) a. assume that the problem can't be all that serious. b. am sensitive to the fact that there is a problem-and I am often right about what it is. c. take the time to listen. d. become deeply involved-giving freely of my experience and advice. 3. When my (son) (daughter) asks for permission to do something, I: (check the one that comes closest) a. usually say "yes" because I trust (him) (her). b. usually say "yes" because (he) (she) is going to do it anyway. c. want more information and may want to check things out for myself. d. usually say "no" because (he) (she) has such a poor track record. e. other 4. my (son's) (daughter's) best friends are: 5. (His) (Her) most frustrating experience in the past few weeks was: 6. The most frustrating experience (he) (she) had with me in the past few weeks was: 7. One thing about my (son) (daughter) that I am proud of is: 8. One thing that bothers me about (him) (her) is: 9. The biggest decision my (son) (daughter) has ever made on (his) (her) own is: 10. A mutually agreeable decision my (son) (daughter) and I have made together within the past month is Youth Questionnaire 1. I spend about hours a week talking with my (mother) (father). 2. When something is really bother me, my (mother) (father) usually: (check the one that comes the closest) a. assumes my problems can't be all that serious. b. figures it out before I say anything. c. is willing to take the time to listen. d. goes overboard and lectures me. I know (he) (she) means well but it never helps. 3. When I ask for permission to do something, my (mother) (father): a. usually says "yes" because (he) (she) trusts me. b. usually says "yes" but I wonder if (he) (she) is even listening. c. questions me and sometimes really invades my privacy. d. usually says "no" because (he) (she) doesn't trust me. e. other 4. My best friends are: (list names) 5. My most frustrating experience of the past few weeks was: 6. My most frustrating experience with my (mother) (father) in the past few weeks was: 7. One of the things about me that makes my (mother) (father) feel proud is: 8. One thing that bothers my (mother) (father) about me is: 9. The biggest decision I have ever made on my own is: 10. A mutually agreeable decision that my (mother) (father) and I have made together within the last month is: